back on track.

Wow it's been a long time since I posted something here.
Well let's get back on track, shall we?

The past few months I have been quite busy.
Beside the fact that I am busy with school I also have been busy with my health.

Last February I got sick.
I lost feeling in my hands, arms, legs and feet at times.
Beside that I got extremely tired and in the end I had to quit my internship which I had at that time.

Since then I have had many doctors appointments, tests and other things around hospitals and doctors.

Since then I have gotten back on track with school, I am now in my last year of school and it will be extended due the fact that I can't work ,the full 8 hours 4 times a week, anymore.
I have gotten tests at school and I passed all of them until now so let's hope I won't fluke one.

When I got sick I didn't have energy for anything and this past summer I got back on track with friendships, healthwise and probably not so much schoolwise, because who works for school in the summer?

I guess that now I am back at school I haven't got time for fun and friends that much.
I haven't seen my friends that much and I miss them allot, I guess this is because I am so tired that I can't really do much besides homework, school, eating and sleeping.
But I am trying to stay positive and be happy.

Let's hope for the best.

food

Some people know, I am a real food addict.

I thought it would nice to show you what I made and ate over the years.

 Apple pie~! Home made, always deli~!

Lasagna, I love it~!

Banana, with chocolate, ice-cream and whipped cream.

This are Dutch Pancakes, natural. I sometimes make special ones,

With fruit and cheese.... hmm........

Made with my bro, Ramen~!

Noodle dish, made with my bro.

Rice with peanut sauce, broccoli and a piece of Dutch cheese~! 

Another Noodle/Ramen dish.

Another version of our deli Lasagna~!

Making of: Dutch pancakes.

I mix of Asian food with my chicken addiction.

hmmmmm.......~!

Toad in the hole, I love English food.

Not home made, but I love Ice-cream~!

Drill pudding, not really home made, but its so deli~!

We made this, and it fell out really strangely. I thought it looked funny ^^

PIZZA~!

A very simple dish but I love to make something so easy, yet so delightful.

A rice dish with egg.

Easy, yet again.. hhhhmmmmm....

That's it~!

See you next time~!

Losses

Many people have lost someone.
I have too.

I am going to talk about this, because well..
Maybe it is my dealing with the losses, or maybe because I wanna share this with you.

As some may know, I am very spiritual.
I believe in ghosts, and reincarnation.

Yesterday I went with my dad to the grave of my two sisters.
I haven't been there in years, and it felt good to go.
My sisters were to babies, when they moved on to the next life.

The past years I lost many of my relatives.
my only grandmothers and my uncle.

My dads mom died after cancer.
They had operated her, and everything went well.
But then she had opened her wound, after getting a sudden dementia.
But I think it was a delirium, a sudden confusion.
They had to close the wound, and then they decided to keep her into sleep, or coma.
And we had to say goodbye.
I didn't go, I don't think any of us kids went.
My dad did go.
Then she passed away.
I was really sad.
I cried allot.
Mostly because the way I saw her the last time.
It was at her house, at the door.
I hugged her and I said, I will see you soon.
I also said I loved her.
That was the last time I saw her.

I got her jewelry box.
There was this chain and a stone.
I thought it fitted well with each other, so I put them together.
And since then it is MY necklace. if I lose it, I will be a total mess.

A few month after that, they found my uncle.
He was in his house, on his chair and he had died.
He had been there a very long time.
I wont tell all the details, it is horrible.
He was cremated, and only my dad went. That was my uncle his wish.
I again was really sad.
The last time I saw my uncle was at the funeral of my grandma.
We were at the grave and I hadn't cried at all.
But when she went into the ground I started crying allot.
I was a total wreck and I almost couldn't walk.
My uncle sad next to me, also really sad.
He hugged me and held me thight, while I cried.

My uncle was really close with my grandma, they were inseparable.
So when she died, he was a wreck. He didn't want to life anymore.

I talked about this with my dad yesterday at the graves.
I also told him that I still thought they were with us at times.

My other grandma died the past summer.
She was ill for a while.
I don't know allot about it, we have lost contact with that side of the family.
Fights and un-agreements and the past had driven us apart.
The day she died I was really sad, almost knowing she left.
I don't know but I have had the feeling I couldn't deal with it for a while.
But now, I feel at peace.
I know it didn't go well in our family, but I feel that at the end.
The moment she died, she came to us and said goodbye.
Said sorry.
I didn't take a moment to think about it, but now.. It is okay.

Whatever have happened in our family, the losses we have made.
We are still strong.
I know my family is with me. Maybe not always in spirit, but also in our hearts.

The death of my sisters have shaped me for who I am.
I have known them, and I never really will.
But I know they are here, I know they will be with me.
In the good and bad times.

I thought yesterday about the way they would've looked, if they would've lived.
And I then just saw a short moment, them right in front of me.

When I was young I always drew them, and yeah, they kinda looked like in the drawing.
Only they resembled us more.
They looked like me, and my mom. Also like the rest, no worries.
But they looked like us, and it was a peaceful moment.
It still means allot to me, to have seen that.

Dear dear all, never lose the love you feel or have felt for relatives, family and friends.
You never know when you lose them.
Yet they always will be with you.
In heart and soul <3

Meeting people

I don't know, but when I meet new people, I get nervous.
I wanna walk away and just not look back.

But this time I just went for it.
A classmate and I talked allot about stuff and she said her friend and I would be good match.
So we added each other on FB, and we talked.
We planned for a meeting, and we ended up going to dinner with the three of us.

We ended up going to dinner, and finding more matching things we thought.
We are both very spiritual. We like the same programs (which is so fun since we end up talking about it allot XD) I am really happy.

Also that day we had an waiter, and I can say, I have an eye on him. I like him.
He is really cute and he seems really nice.
In the class we talked about it, and because of the class. I could find him.
Now I requested friendship from him, only no answer yet.

I am really a person who keeps back.
I am so nervous when it comes to taking the first step.
Especially with people I haven't met yet, well spoken openly to.

I am kinda worried that I might freak him out, by being myself.
I don't know but I am not the prettiest (even though I am really happy about myself)
I just don't want him to run off after we met. Or speak.

But I don't want the scare chase the things I want, away.
So I am going for it, even though I am really scared.

Lets do this together, you and me.
Lets not be scared anymore.

people

I am a people person.
I like talking with people, about stuff I like.

But there are people on this world that can take disadvantage of it.
It happens everywhere. People take peoples trust and then do hurtful stuff.
Whether its bullying, or picking fights. It always happens everywhere.

People have picked fights with me. I don't like fights.
I try to go out of the way of them.
But this time, I couldn't.

Saying stuff about a person is hurtful. Even if they're the truth.
Even if it is the truth, better try saying it to someone, in a nice manner.
Instead saying it in a rude and harsh way.

Also misunderstandings are normal. We all have them.
But getting mad, and continuing to be mad, only because you think your right?
What is the use of that?
Can't you see you hurt other people?
That it brings people down?

I don't want to be down, sad, hurt or anything like that.
I try to be happy, and I can be because I know I have people who loves me,
cares for me,
and don't want to loose me.

But you can't have that, every place you go.
I found that out.
And I can deal with that.
But making people feel worse than they are,
making you the boss over them?
NO!

I have had enough of people who think they know me.
Can't people see, that if I don't trust them, I don't show them the real me?

The real me, is a honest, sweet, social, kind, happy and friendly person.
But if you take the wrong things out me then you get,
weak,
hurt,
angry,
furious,
and unhappy person.

I do not want to be the person, who has all the bad sides.
I don't have a bad side, if you don't try to get it out of me.

I am a bubbly and happy person, so let me be like that.
If you honestly think I suck, or I am just some stupid person who you can make fun of,
Get away.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore.

I am me, so let me be me.
And don't pick fights, hurt or mess around with me.
I am not meant for that.

I have met some great people the past month.
I lost people,
I am glad some people are still around.

But everyone in my life, gives me a lesson.
A way to see the world different.

There are happy lessons, and sad lessons.

And every person in the world, carries a part for that.
Whether it is the news, people around me, on facebook,
in my neighbourhood, my city, my country, in the world.

We all carry a piece of a lesson for someone else.
It is what we do with it, that matters.

So I try to do my best with my piece of a lesson, and I get mixed in the ones of others.
Yet some are things you don't want to be mixed into.
Then take a step back.
And I think I need to take a step back, right here right now.

So I will.
But people must realise, that words aren't just words.
Words are knives, that can be double edged if you don't watch out.
Yet you can just kill with words.
Or you can cut some bread with it, and feed someone, the happy things.

I try to give happy things, and I send happy words to people I care about.
But if someone sends me mean words, then there won't be happy words anymore.
Then I will be silent.

Then the happy words go to someone else, someone who needs them.

I have had enough of people who mess things up, yet they will always be in this world.
It is up to you what you do with it.

I will just stay happy, and glad I have people who care.
People who want me to be around.

I just stay with them, not because I am scared to go out.
But to have a place where I can fall back to.

So thank you to everyone who wants to be a pillow for me, someone who catches me in the bad times.
And want to care for me.
People who are here for me. Who love me.
Who take me for who I am,
Who want to receive and give me happy words.
So to everyone who thinks I am someone who matters.

Thank You

feelings and past year.

I think I am honestly the only one who looks on her schoolemail. When I look back at last year, I am honestly proud of myself. I might not always have had the best grades, but I did really change.
In the beginning I was afraid to mess everything up, like everything. But as the year progressed I gained more self-confidence. When I had my intern-ship everything changed. I finally realised not everything will go alright and making mistakes is a part of life. I learned to be less serious when it comes to people and making jokes. (^.^)

I can remember me people called me a mouse, the quiet person of class. And that is kinda true. It's because I am always on guard. But this is also because everyone in my class is so different from me. They go out, drink and that kind of stuff. I don't do that, I think if it comes to that I am  more responsible. (sorry people XD) I think they are too different from me, I don't feel there is a connection between us. Because in a way, I feel they think of life in a different way. I think I am maybe a bit wiser, or I don't want to mess with my brain-cells.
When it comes to making contact, I am more on my guard. I have been bullied and I think it shaped me. Not in a bad way, I won't let bad people in my life so easily, but it keeps the good people away, it makes me a bit sad.
One of my goals for next year is being more confident and making more contact in my class.
I want to get the people know me, but I also want to get to know them.

I know people think I want to get all the things I want, and that is might be true with some things. But I am human and I change every day a little more. I know I can't have everything and I don't want everything. In the past year I realised you can be very happy with what you have. After my mom got into hospital I really learned you can't take things for granted. And that every little thing is a gift. So I want to treat everything that way.

I hope everyone can accept me for who I am. I hope that everyone understands this. I hope everything will turn out okay with our class, then we get a better bond.
Please take good care of me. Because that is the only thing I want.

I want to be treated right. I don't want to be bullied again. Last year I didn't always feel welcome in the class. But I realised you can't befriend everyone. You can be nice, but that doesn't make you a friend. You can only become a friend when someone feels the same way about you as you feel about them.
I might not become friends with everyone, but I can be nice, and be friendly. Because every smile you give, is a smile given back.


I will smile bright and enjoy everything of life. I might mess up everything, but I will get up. I will put all the loose ends together and make something out of my life. Because you live life only once as this person, so why not make the best of it?

do you see me?

I am a little worried, or curious.
Do people read my blog, or do they accidental end up here?

I would love to have readers, hihi. Maybe because I want to exchange experiences.

But everytime I post something, I look into the stats, seeing how many people look here.
Mostly about my my golden rules of internet.

But then I wonder, are people really interested in me, or the advise I give.
I can give more advise, but I thought this blog was to exchange experiences with people all over the world. Telling them about me.

It is not that this topic keeps me awake at night or something... hihi

I wonder how people picture me, like some little kid or someone much older.
I still worry so much, yet it is not needed. I believe.

I have a good life (as far as it goes) and I have a good family (with ups and downs)
I have loving friends (who I see now and then because of my study)
and I have people surrounding me who don't like me that much.... and I don't mind. :3
I would mind if they bother me, but I am not really bothered by people who hate me or anything.
Mostly because I send them out of my life, and don't see again...

Which brings this topic to another area.
See I am thinking a lot.
And for the first time in a while, I am really writing it down.
I used to have diary, but I stopped writing because I was too busy writing in it, and I was actually full before I knew.

But to go back to the topic I was, Do you see me?
Or am I just a little person on this big, big world?
I would love to be more than that. I want to achieve something. I want to do something to make this world better, to make it a better place to live. Or is that a too big of a dream?

Am I a dreaming? possibly............ obviously.
I dream about how well this world could be, without bullies, without hate, and without war.
But about those last things, I can't do much about.
That is in the hands of every person it's own.
War is something like a fight, a row. But it escalates into something really bad, with effects on many lives.

So let me say this, don't fight, don't hate and don't even think about bullying someone, because it hurts.
And it makes people really sad.




So be kind, give live some love. And live your life without regrets. Do something you'll end up thinking about, Did I really do that?! Than thinking back, I wish I did that.

Live and Shine, shine like the sun!