Losses

Many people have lost someone.
I have too.

I am going to talk about this, because well..
Maybe it is my dealing with the losses, or maybe because I wanna share this with you.

As some may know, I am very spiritual.
I believe in ghosts, and reincarnation.

Yesterday I went with my dad to the grave of my two sisters.
I haven't been there in years, and it felt good to go.
My sisters were to babies, when they moved on to the next life.

The past years I lost many of my relatives.
my only grandmothers and my uncle.

My dads mom died after cancer.
They had operated her, and everything went well.
But then she had opened her wound, after getting a sudden dementia.
But I think it was a delirium, a sudden confusion.
They had to close the wound, and then they decided to keep her into sleep, or coma.
And we had to say goodbye.
I didn't go, I don't think any of us kids went.
My dad did go.
Then she passed away.
I was really sad.
I cried allot.
Mostly because the way I saw her the last time.
It was at her house, at the door.
I hugged her and I said, I will see you soon.
I also said I loved her.
That was the last time I saw her.

I got her jewelry box.
There was this chain and a stone.
I thought it fitted well with each other, so I put them together.
And since then it is MY necklace. if I lose it, I will be a total mess.

A few month after that, they found my uncle.
He was in his house, on his chair and he had died.
He had been there a very long time.
I wont tell all the details, it is horrible.
He was cremated, and only my dad went. That was my uncle his wish.
I again was really sad.
The last time I saw my uncle was at the funeral of my grandma.
We were at the grave and I hadn't cried at all.
But when she went into the ground I started crying allot.
I was a total wreck and I almost couldn't walk.
My uncle sad next to me, also really sad.
He hugged me and held me thight, while I cried.

My uncle was really close with my grandma, they were inseparable.
So when she died, he was a wreck. He didn't want to life anymore.

I talked about this with my dad yesterday at the graves.
I also told him that I still thought they were with us at times.

My other grandma died the past summer.
She was ill for a while.
I don't know allot about it, we have lost contact with that side of the family.
Fights and un-agreements and the past had driven us apart.
The day she died I was really sad, almost knowing she left.
I don't know but I have had the feeling I couldn't deal with it for a while.
But now, I feel at peace.
I know it didn't go well in our family, but I feel that at the end.
The moment she died, she came to us and said goodbye.
Said sorry.
I didn't take a moment to think about it, but now.. It is okay.

Whatever have happened in our family, the losses we have made.
We are still strong.
I know my family is with me. Maybe not always in spirit, but also in our hearts.

The death of my sisters have shaped me for who I am.
I have known them, and I never really will.
But I know they are here, I know they will be with me.
In the good and bad times.

I thought yesterday about the way they would've looked, if they would've lived.
And I then just saw a short moment, them right in front of me.

When I was young I always drew them, and yeah, they kinda looked like in the drawing.
Only they resembled us more.
They looked like me, and my mom. Also like the rest, no worries.
But they looked like us, and it was a peaceful moment.
It still means allot to me, to have seen that.

Dear dear all, never lose the love you feel or have felt for relatives, family and friends.
You never know when you lose them.
Yet they always will be with you.
In heart and soul <3

Meeting people

I don't know, but when I meet new people, I get nervous.
I wanna walk away and just not look back.

But this time I just went for it.
A classmate and I talked allot about stuff and she said her friend and I would be good match.
So we added each other on FB, and we talked.
We planned for a meeting, and we ended up going to dinner with the three of us.

We ended up going to dinner, and finding more matching things we thought.
We are both very spiritual. We like the same programs (which is so fun since we end up talking about it allot XD) I am really happy.

Also that day we had an waiter, and I can say, I have an eye on him. I like him.
He is really cute and he seems really nice.
In the class we talked about it, and because of the class. I could find him.
Now I requested friendship from him, only no answer yet.

I am really a person who keeps back.
I am so nervous when it comes to taking the first step.
Especially with people I haven't met yet, well spoken openly to.

I am kinda worried that I might freak him out, by being myself.
I don't know but I am not the prettiest (even though I am really happy about myself)
I just don't want him to run off after we met. Or speak.

But I don't want the scare chase the things I want, away.
So I am going for it, even though I am really scared.

Lets do this together, you and me.
Lets not be scared anymore.